3 boys and a girl...a recipe for pure time to write a book, so I blog

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Looking for some sunshine

OK, I know it has been awhile, our computer has a virus and truthfully I have been OK with not fixing it. I wrote the following post 2 months ago now more as an escape and healing for myself. Feel free to read or not, but I have been meaning to post it for a while. Sorry there are no pictures, one day I will get the stupid thing fixed.

Since I wrote this last post Kale turned 6 and is loving life. We hit a hiccup in his battle against the evil eyes and he is scheduled for surgery this upcominmg Friday 3/9. It is intense to say the least so any prayers would be most appreciated. I pormise I have found some sunshine and plan to keep a little in my pocket. The following post is painful for me to read now, but reflects so well, I feel, how those 31 days rocked me to my core...

The last month has been a blur of tears of which I cannot seem to find an end. 3 days before Christmas my family very unexpectedly lost my Baka (Croatian for Grandma).  I wrestled and continue to do so whether it would have been easier had I seen it coming, but I don't think anytime would have been an "OK" time to say goodbye to hands down the greatest and strongest woman I have ever known. My Uncle Joe said it best when he said " she was our lighthouse, no matter how far or where we went in life, all we had to do was turn to her and she led us home". She lit up not only my life but the lives of my boys. I have tried in the days since to look for a ray of sunshine, a good, something to set my mind at peace...what I've come up with have given me only moments, but I wanted something that would last. I struggled in the moments after she passed with most of my family at her bedside to understand why? My grandma was a woman of deep faith and I know her time with us was cut short to join and enjoy her eternal paradise in Heaven, but how in the world could I explain that to my boys who had loved her and loved on her that Sunday, only 4 days before she died? And then it came to me, I never knew either of my grandfathers, let alone great-grandparents...Kale and Barett got that for 5 years. That was my sunshine and the best Christmas gift, better than any I can, would, could or ever will put under the tree. Her love was deep and infectious. She loved the boys and they loved her, and for that I am grateful. That she got to be part of their lives if only for a brief time, their lives will forver be filled her love. 

Like I said,Christmas was a blur, it felt more like going through the motions, but we had to make it special for the kids, that is what Baka Rosie would have wanted. The toys were in no short supply and the spoils of 4 Christmases clutttered the house longer than I care to admit. Then came strike 2, Dave's Grandpa Frank had a massive heart attack, landing him in the cardiac ICU with a bilateral pneumonia and buying him an implanted pacer/defibrilator. He is doing well and thankfully on his way to recovery.  One would think that was enough for one family for a while, but alas the black cloud of whatever the hell keeps raining...

This past Monday our phone rang at 1030pm, never a good sign or happy call, especially as of late. My aunt was sobbing into the phone that my cousin Aaron had been found dead in his apartment in Colorado. First I had no idea that he had moved to Colorado, he was just over my house for the Husker game 2 weeks ago...this cannot be happening!!...what happened?....was my brother Andy with him?...does Andy know?...the answers were few and the tears were many. My first instinct was to drive to Colorado to get my brother no matter where he was. Aaron, Tom, and Andy were the 3 amigos, brothers, cousins, but most of all best friends. It didn't surprise me that he had gone to Colorado. When Andy had moved there, Aaron begged him to take him with him and even would drive out to visit whenever he could. A blizzard in the mountains and a little fatherly psychotherapy kept me here. My brother flew in the next day as we waited for answers, of which there are still very few. Again I find myself looking for sunshine. This time it came much easier. Aaron was with Baka Rosie who had loved him and mother henned him since he was a baby. He is a peace, and though his antics will be missed, my life and those he knew are better for the brief time we had
him in it.

I think myself to be a person seeing the glass half full, always looking for the silverlining no matter how long it takes me to dig to find it, there is good in everything and everyone. My grandma taught me a lot of things but the one I will carry with is God only gives us what we can handle and apparently this is it. So as I look for sunshine, I say Rest in Peace Grandma and Aaron, I know you are watching down on us